I think a lot about death. A lot about how the end for me will be. Will I be happy when I die, or will my heart be in pain? Will it be sudden, in a split second and I am gone, or will it be slow, so slow that I will be counting down the minutes to my last breath. Who will be next to me? What will they be doing?Will I be scared, or will it happen when I have reached a point in life when I’m so tired and death is all I desire?
I think a lot about death, but even more if I will be the one to cause of my death, if it is something I will have done that will lead to my end.
A while back in vain pursuit of something to watch on YouTube I stumbled upon a speech by Steve Jobs titled ‘If Today Was My Last Day’. And through this speech Steve asks us to make conscious choices by asking ourselves if we would still be willing to be what we are right now, and do what we keep doing if today was the last chance we have.
I am many things now, and many more I am not. And I am not sure if I have ever been at a point where I am fully at peace with all there is. Has any of us ever been? Aren’t we always seeking more, one block down another block up. We go through life certain that at the end of it all we will achieve our ultimate goal. We make future plans because we see life ahead. But maybe in little ways everyday, we are killing ourselves. For example, me thinking too much about death itself( you start questioning if you are really alive, or could I be a just a spirit with human thoughts and feelings?)
One of the things we are doing that is slowly killing us is ignoring those TV adverts we’ve been seeing lately against HIV stigmatization. The stories break my heart. And even if we choose to bury our heads in the sand and not talk talk about HIV, a good number of us have been affected either directly or indirectly by HIV/AIDS. I love these adverts because they assure me that I am not mad to think that in 2016 there are thousands of people out there who still need preaching on HIV/AIDS. Once again we get to have this conversation; abstinence, contraceptives, stigma, basically what next after the test.
I firmly believe there are a good number of sexually active young people out there who do not know yet how to use a condom. I want us to have that conversation. There are hundreds of men and women embarrassed to walk into a chemist shop and buy condoms. We should be having that conversation. There are thousands of young girls fooling around with multiple men without protection, because ‘who still uses condoms anyway?’ Please let us have this conversation. And there are people, old and young, who still are content with ‘Baby si you are clean. Trust me I am clean. I just tested this year.’ Let us talk about this.
I insist on talking about protection because I see everyday choices being made, wrong choices, careless choices by people my age. Nobody cares anymore and it breaks my heart.
Coincidentally today morning as I was leaving for work, Logombas(you remember them?) Vuta Pumz track started playing. I so badly wished that track could be played across all radio stations, and instead of discussing latest trends, people’s marital woes, we get to talk about HIV/AIDS once again.
‘Sikuhizi AIDS hata sio issue, lifestyle diseases ndio hata zinaua watu.’ You miss the point. A drunk driver would say that and it wouldn’t prevent their car from flying off the bridge because of their poor drunken judgement. What is it that will kill me? Am I consciously and willingly signing up for my end?
Today could be the last day of your life, but probably not, and you get to live the next 50 years wishing you had made different choices.