I Don’t Want My Hair!

I have a confession to make, I have been embarrassed about this but I guess it is my hair anyway so I’m gonna own it. I have hair. On. My. Chin. And I’m a girl. Hey, look, they are like three, or maybe four strands, so its not like I’m evolving into a man or something so stop freaking out. But yeah, I have them. I have breasts as well, and fully functional anatomically as a woman.

Anyway, that said, let me tell you about how horrifying it is to find out there’s strands of hair sprouting from your chin yet all along you’ve known you are totally female. Time is last year, it is a hot day, we are from class, we decide to get chips for lunch(or fries, or wolefa, we are talking about my hair here, right?), and so we walk out of the cafe each with their bag of chips, but there’s a friend of mine still in the cafe so we have to wait. I am standing in the sun, impatient, with my chin up, when my friend suddenly exclaims, ‘Oh my God you have beards!’

I step back, horrified at the thought of one of the girls having beards.

‘No, You! You have beards, see!’

Wait, me? I am kinda embarrassed already, and even though I have not verified if indeed I have beards I laugh the matter off and start a different story.

‘No, come I show you. Oh my God you are evolving into a man.’ My friend, who at that point I decide should not be a friend anymore, presses on.

‘No, I don’t have beards. Let’s just go home.’

I guess she gets that this is definitely not something I would want to talk about right now, so she lets it go. Phew! Many thanks for that darling, I guess I we are back to being friends.

So I get to my room and first thing I do is lock my door, take out my mirror and study my face. There it is. One confident, independently poised strand of hair. How did this get here? I touch it and damn, it is real. Definitely not glued there to prank me. How did it get here? Is it something I’ve been eating? Too many eggs maybe? Will it only be this one or will others follow? Will I become a female version of a man, with hairs all over my chin? I am so worried at this point I can’t even think straight. So I turn to my best informant, Google, and type in ‘Why would a female have hairs on her chin???’

Google tells me to relax, unless the same is also happening to my chest and thighs. I quickly strip my bra off to check. My fruits occupy most of that space so there’s really not much of an actual chest to look at. Wait? Or do they mean if hair starts growing ON my boobs? TF! I proof-check my thighs, nothing. Deep sigh of relief. Okay, so why do I have hair? Well, Google tells me, it could be hereditary. But I shouldn’t worry if its not a lot. And about half of American women remove facial hair at least once in a while and ten percent remove it two or more times a week. Well, I am an African woman but I guess it helps to know that I am not alone. And that I am not turning into a man. Not that it’s a bad thing if you are currently a woman and you want to change your gender, but well, I’m good staying a woman. At least in this lifetime.

I pluck out my strand of hair and relax. As advised. A few months later I again notice hair on my chin they are two! What the- Whaaat??! I pluck them out. And I make it a habit of studying my chin extra carefully every morning and fight every single strand of hair with all the strength I have. Nothing grows. At least for a few months. Now here is the ultimate shocker.

I am with my boyfriend. A beautiful weekend, watching a movie maybe. I am sitting next to him and I think I was explaining something, can’t quite remember because the ‘hair’ moment spoiled everything for me. So there I am, looking up at him, talking, when he goes, ‘Haiya, babe you are growing a beard!’ Then he bursts into loud laughter. I walk away. I am not really angry at him, I am angry at this stupid hair on my chin that just won’t stop effing growing! Urgghh. What did I do? Good people don’t deserve really bad things, no?

Anyway, they are like three, or four. I am so tired of them and I don’t care whether Google thinks ‘It’s okay, they are too few to worry about. Just wax them’. What the hell is hair doing on inappropriate parts of my body? Why can’t we just increase the population of hair on my underarms because there guys will only think I’m being unsanitary by not cutting them off and not trying to be a man! Oh, dear.

Okay. Fine. If you know a solution to this, holla. In the meantime, every time I see one sprout, I will be angrily chopping it off. I totally don’t want any hair, at least not on my chin.

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